Like chaos theory

A few months ago, I had to give a presentation at work about myself and in doing so, I found the story of me - well, a pivotal chapter in my story.



For my presentation, I decided to start with Google. If you Google me, you see my Linked In profile, a story I wrote about adventure racing, mention of me helping out at another race and a tender that I project managed when I worked for the Australian Federal Police.

The Google entry about the AFP refers to some tender processes I managed while I was there. I remember having to write addenda to the request for tender while I was sitting in Honiara, just a few metres from a 10 metre, razor wire topped fence and a beach that a crocodile was rumoured to patrol – I never saw it.

I was in Honiara because six months after joining the AFP I was sent to the Solomon Islands for three weeks, to cover leave for one of the media officers. Three months after getting back, I was sent over again for two months. Pacific culture is fascinating and inviting. I witnessed some truly humbling events while I was there and came to the decision that working for an international aid program will be part of my life in the future. I came to that realisation after being part of the response effort for the earthquake and tsunami. I saw how people who had so very little –it had taken their whole lives to acquire – lose everything in just 10 minutes.

My time in the Solomon Islands was only a small part of what I did with the AFP, but it had a huge impact.

It’s funny how the smallest things have the biggest impact.

In June last year, I was reading a Mountain Designs e-newsletter. I normally don’t open e-newsletters (why do I sign up for them??), but this night I did. I scrolled quickly through it and an advertisement at the bottom caught my eye. It was for GeoQuest, a 48 hour adventure race that was taking place that weekend. It occurred to me that I had 12 months to train for the next one. I decided to do it. Just like that.

Why? I needed a new fitness and training goal. I wanted to test my limits. I was sick of saying I’d love to...and not doing it. So, maybe that was why I paid attention to it in the first place.

No, there was more to it than that. I wanted my life to inspire ME.

I’ll jump back a bit. In January 2009, I had been unemployed for three months. At first, I took it in my stride, valuing the spare time I had. Soon though, I was dismayed and a little lost to realise how intrinsically I identified myself through my job. Without one, who was I? It took a lot of guts to admit to people that I was unemployed and I found conversations stilted as I became more aware of how much my socialising had centred previously round my working life.

Those three months were pivotal for me and the thing is, you don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re pushed through. It’s like chaos theory. Change only happens if you tip the balance.

I eventually got a contract and through that I became friends with Mel. One Friday, a week after reading the Mountain Designs e-newsletter, she and I were catching up over a drink. I mentioned my intention to do the race and she was as keen as I was. Over wine we planned our foray into adventure racing. It was just another small thing that was to have a big impact.

I was taking a huge leap, getting into adventure racing. I was fit, but not fast. I had never ridden a mountain bike or attempted to read a compass. I avoided team sports because I’m not motivated by competition. I wasn’t keen on getting dirty and short hair does not deal with helmets very well. And I was afraid of failing - that was, until I decided that I can’t fail if I just have a go.

So I had a go at riding a mountain bike and coping with helmet hair. I had a go at navigating. I had a go at kayaking. I had a go at competing as a team. I had a go at adventure races, off-road triathlons, and mountain bike endurance races. I couldn’t do all of it well, but I loved it all! And my life is now so much more. I no longer identify myself by my job alone.

I love to learn, and one of the biggest lessons I have learned in recent years is how to be fearless. The things I’m afraid of are not nearly so scary when I do them. So I will keep doing them and tipping the balance in my life.

Every man, woman and alien

Walking home tonight, irritable didn't even begin to describe how I felt. Irritable and juvenile was probably closer.

That woman in front of me smoking - aargggh.
Finish it quick or give up, lady. Just stop blowing it in my face!

And those men oggling the twig-in-clothes...
It's not even a real woman, you know. It's an alien that doesn't eat or laugh - ever!

Oh and hey, if you're going to change into running gear, then bloody well run! Don't dawdle in front of me!!

(Inhale. Exhale. Pull your head in.)





And then, I wasn't angry anymore. I was sad. Unquenchably sad.

I wanted a hug. I wanted the biggest, deepest, most full-of-love hug that there ever was.

Of course, I wasn't about to get one. I'd just silently offended every man, woman and alien within sight.

(Get your running gear on, girly and take yourself and your mood to the gym. G'on, get.)

A scrubbing good time

I took today off work to get a few chores done and now, in the mid-afternoon, I think I am justified feeling a degree of accomplishment.



So far I have consolidated my superannuation funds, washed the kitchen louvres and curtains, scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom - floors an' all, swept the balcony, put through three loads of washing and tidied away the camping gear from two weeks ago.

I'm not usually so thorough with my chores- particularly cleaning. I take a far more organic approach to things. For instance, I might be walking past the coffee table and notice a fingerprint in the dust and so begins a short spurt of dusting in the immediate area. It doesn't last long and rarely leads to other things. When you add all of these random episodes, the job gets done after a fashion.

Not so today. I got started early and if I started to daydream about shooting off to the shops (really, I could do with a set of curtains in the study) or going for a bike ride, I quite happily reigned myself in and got stuck into the next job.

I even wore a pinny while I cleaned! I really celebrated the whole thing and felt so good, in that domestic goddess kind of way.

It's a good time to be doing all of this, too. We're less than four days from a new moon, which is always a good time to clean out the old and get ready for the new. This particular new moon is also a solar eclipse and even more likely to bring new, good things. It will be in Cancer, a sign that loves the home. My pinny-clad clean-fest couldn't have been better timed, really.

Tonight I'll cap it all off when I smudge the flat to cleanse the energies, light some candles and set my new moon intentions. Ho, the fun I have!

Looking back looking forward

It's the end of an era. Chiron is leaving Aquarius for Pisces.


What era? February and March 2005 is a clue.

I came across this poem tonight, as I was getting started on some goal setting for fitness, finance and all the rest. I wrote it on 5 March 2005. It's bad, nostalgic and untitled.

This night I saw a shooting star.

It introduced me to a petal's kiss,

the scent of velvet, oh

the kiss of a breeze

The blessings of the stars,

this night.

I remember sitting on the front step of my tiny little flat on Mountford Road. I had a glass of Belgian beer beside me and was listening to Joni Mitchell or Nina Simone. Or maybe it was Hedys Lament. I was trying to capture the stream of consciousness that sprung from the sight of the shooting star.

In the same book that I found the poem, I found a list titled 'Achievements to February 2005'. Two of the entries had been crossed out - achieved. Most hadn't.

Some still apply today, like re-building my savings.

Some don't. I wanted to maintin a GPA of 6 (hehe, that didn't happen) and now I'm a few days away from attending my graduation.

Some are ridiculous. I wanted to 'talk less about self'. As if.

Some took time, experience and the resulting maturity to achieve. I wanted to 'be active in my convictions and beliefs' and 'remember that expectations are not universal'. They are lifetime achievements, though.

Looking ahead to this new era, I have a mud map of goals to guide me. It needs details and more visualising. I think I'll go and watch for shooting stars first.

Persona non grata

Check out Persona non grata from Skye Doherty Media.

Investigative journalist Robert Mukombozi has covered wars, corruption and killings in Rwanda, Uganda and the Democratic Republic of Congo.

He has been arrested, kidnapped and shot at. In April 2008 he was deemed persona non grata and given five minutes to leave Rwandan soil. He has not seen his family since.

In this interactive video timeline Robert explains the challenges of reporting in a post-conflict state and how his refusal to compromise journalist principles led him to be expelled from his country.

Posted using ShareThis

The cold light of day

I've been cringing ever so slightly about my previous post.

This morning I was reading up on the astro of the moment and Yasmin Boland put some context around what may have influenced me to pull out my soapbox.

Mercury meets Jupiter today – they do this about once a year. It’s a wonderful link if you need the confidence to say something – timidity will go out the window, if you decide you’re going to speak up for yourself. However, be aware that this link can bring out the standing-on-a-soapbox preacher in all of us. If you think you’re saying too much, you probably are! So I will stop now!

So I was a day or so early with my rant. I mean really, who's checking...?

A soapbox moment

The ignorance and lack of thought that I see on facebook leaves me really concerned about our collective social intelligence.

In the space of a week, I saw two group names that were like proverbial 'last straws'-leading to this post (the language may offend, so you might choose to skip the quotes):

- Everytime I see you a voice in my head goes SSLLUUUUTTTT
- Bitches need to get slapped as hard as they act

Do people not consider the implications, interpretations and context that these groups carry? As a society, do we really accept, applaude even, such passive aggressive attitudes?

There are also a good number of groups that begin with 'I hate..'. That's very strong language and it seems to have lost it's meaning and impact today.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a high-collared killjoy trying to pontificate on the lack of values in today's society. I enjoy using facebook and some of the groups are intelligent and funny. For instance:

- And WHY can't my life be a musical?
- Admit it....farting is STILL funny
- An arbitrary group of people demanding some action be taken

It's just that, when I see some of the groups that people join, I feel mild alarm at the ignorance it suggests could be rampant in society. Humour does not excuse ignorance, bias or nastiness, and it definitely doesn't make it okay.

What's new pussycat?

I went to see Tom Jones last night, in the rain. I sent a message to my folks and their reply made me laugh so much that I want to share it. I've left all the typos in, just for authenticity's sake.

Me: It the tom jones gig. It's very wet :) will try and call when he's one so you can hear-unless you don't want me to, me course. Love you xx

Mum: Thats not unusual. Stay dry. It should be worth it.

Mum: Chris says no worries delilah. Think of the green green grass of home. This time of the year whats new pussycat.

Me: LOVE IT! love you guys so much xxx


Needless to say, he was fantastic. He looked a little too orange, but he's still got that gorgeous voice.

Their earnest best

I caught the bus to work today. I stood in the aisle. It was busy.

There was a group of young school girls sitting in the pods of four seats, some squeezed in, three to a pair. The girls looked so very young. Their uniforms were still new. Not just start-of-the-year new. They were start-of-high-school-career new. They wore them properly, having not yet developed bad habits and too-cool atttitudes.

The girls' school bags were very full. As soon as I noticed them I knew they were still taking home every text book they owned. The novelty of it hadn't worn off yet, or perhaps they were terrified of forgetting a piece of homework. Each girl also had a second bag, probably a sports bag.

My heart went out to them, when I saw the panicked look in their faces as they remembered being told they should always give up their seats for adults. I heard the whispers, we have to get up, get up.

The reality was, it would be so difficult to do. The effort and inconvenience for them and for those of us standing in the aisle would not have been worth it. We would have to dosey-doe around each other, the young girls attempting to keep hats on their heads and trying to stop their two, awkward and heavy bags from hitting others or getting caught at impossible angles. All the while, those in the aisle would be despearately searching for a new place to grip as our shuffling feet carried us away from our successfully won handholds.

I remember how cumbersome it was to be a high school student. So many accoutrements. So many rules. So many people who know more than you...don't they?

You no longer fit as a child and definitely not as an adult, but the new and strange world you found yourself in left you wishing for a safe space.

I told them not to worry, it wasn't a problem and that I was happy to stand. I wasn't in a dosey-doeing kind of mood.

At the next stop an older woman-older than me, that is-stepped on and ushered the girls out of their seats. The expected dance ensued, hushed and awkward, as the girls tried their earnest best to move themselves, their hats and two bags apiece into the already packed aisle.

Sometimes, I thought to myself, old fashioned courtesy gets in the way of just plain courtesy.

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A lesson in not losing love

I got the email today that I had been expecting and dreading. The one that confirmed I have been left behind. The one that leaves me feeling ashamed to still be single.

How screwy is that? I feel embarrassed that I've not been successful in love.

I knew the news was coming. I said as much to a friend three weeks ago. It's just that I hoped I wouldn't hear it until I had met my own 'someone'. Oh, don't get me wrong. I am completely aware that it is good thing and excited about the new phase that it heralds. Even so, the news knocked the breath out of me.

I read a wonderful article last year about love. It was written by Ruth Ostrow and spoke about the inadequacy of the word 'love' in the English language. In other languages there are many ways to express it. For us, we're stuck on love. Heady, demanding, eros-centred love.

For most of my life I didn't believe that love really existed. As a child, I told my family that I loved them but had no concept of what that really was. As a teenager, I had parents who were very out of love with each other. As part of a young couple, I felt forced into saying it. I thought that love was something people kept spouting on about and saying to one another because they thought it's what they had to say and didn't want to be left out of what everyone else was pretending to feel. Really, I thought to myself, they don't know what it is either, so it probably isn't a real emotion.

Then I met someone who made everything feel safe. He made it safe to feel love. It was like magic. I felt that I had endless amounts to go around. At first, it didn't matter that it was never returned and when I noticed that I was hoping it would be returned, I counselled myself that giving love is better than receiving.

He was always very honest with me, gentle with my feelings and considerate of my heart. As much as you can be, I guess, when you don't feel the same. I will always love him for making it safe for me to feel love. That's a very special thing to do for a person.

If wishes were fishes

You know the old adage, 'be careful what you wish for'?  I do. I am always careful when I offer up my wishes.

Think of the genie who dupes the wish-maker, twisting their wish into something unasked for. I try to be sure that what I'm asking for is really something that I need. I always follow up with a promise to stay open to opportunities I can't yet see, but which seem always to come up.

So then, what to do when the universe delivers up something resembling your wish, but which isn't quite what you had in mind?

Did I ask it the wrong way? Have I inadvertently asked for the wrong thing? Can I ignore it and let it go away?

Or has the universe, the cosmos, given me exactly what I needed, and I just don't realise it yet?

Do I accept this gift and hope to find a hidden beauty in it? Or do I trust myself and hold true to what I believe is a better thing?

And therein lies my problem. My intuition is strong. I know that. I have gone far by trusting it. Yet I wonder, does the universe know something I don't?

Brown paper packages tied up with string

These are a few of my favourite things.

I love astrology. I read Mystic Medusa, because she is avant garde. I read Jonathan Cainer because he is grounded.

I love mountain biking. When I labour up a hill, breathing like I'm half-woman-half-rhino, it's with building anticipation of the thrilling downhill chase that must surely come.

I love reading fantasy novels. I have done ever since I read Magician. I escape into them. I know that makes me dorky, or nerdy, or something. But I don't care. I can't care, when I read authors like Patrick Rothfuss, who picks up mundanity and puts back pearls.

'It was night again. The Waystone Inn lay in silence, and it was a silence of three parts. The most obvious part was a hollow, echoing quiet, made by things that were lacking.'

'Old Cob tucked away his stew with the predatory efficiency of a lifetime bachelor.'

I love my life.

I experience a lot moments of true, deep joy and I am thankful.